Category Archives: Kindle

New Year, New Me…. Same old Facebook!


There are times when I love Facebook and there are times when I hate it. I hate Facebook when I get constant updates from people asking me to play tedious online games and when people upload pictures of their food. I hate Facebook when people leave statuses that are clearly designed to initiate a response. You know the ones I mean, theres probably one sitting on your newsfeed right now. “Why do I bother” “I can’t believe he’s done it again” “Is it really supposed to double in size” that kind of thing. People are lured into responding, not because they care about the person, they’re just plain nosey!

There are also times when I love Facebook and the period around Christmas and New Year is when I fall back in love with it. Christmas is great because there is so much positivity and everyone just seems happy to be off of work and relaxing with their family and friends. The New Year is even better because the twenty four hours either side of midnight, you often get to see the very best of people and the very worst of them. As I scrolled through my news feed leading up to and then entering the New Year last year, it was the perfect mix of hope and excitement, followed by the dawn of realisation.

My book “As They Slept – A Year in the Life of a Commuter” was born from an argument on Facebook and the chapter posted below took the form of a poem, created solely from the status updates on my news feed in a twenty four hour period, between New Years Eve and New Years Day.

Overworked and underpaid
Congratulations on getting engaged
Ok I’m drunk, I confess!
Work tomorrow, so depressed!
Think it’s time to clear out the loft
Watching season 5 of lost!
Housework done, time for beer
Look out people, this is my year
Surely it’s got to be gin o’clock?
Chris would like to play lucky slots
Sorry about my drunken post
Looking forward to a big fat roast
Wake me up when it’s all over
It’s 2 in the morning and I’m still sober
Chips are ready! Ketchup or Gravy?
Kim and Kanye are having a baby
Time to lose my Christmas gut!
Anyone know what time Tesco shuts?
Haven’t been this drunk in a while
Time to party gangnam style
Time to lose the Movember tash
Mosie would like to play Bingo bash
Oh my god I look like a goth
2012 can piss right off
Time to weigh in
I’m laying off gin
Lovely weather!
Yeah whatever
Ouch my head
Time for bed
Here come the tears
Happy New Year

If you want to hear more about the book, check out the You Tube video below where I talk to Vanessa Feltz on BBC Radio London

As They Slept – A Year in the Life of a Commuter is Out Now

As They Slept 1-4 cover design (ebook)


Why travelling is like peeling an Orange!


Travelling for me has always been just an annoying necessity. It’s the bit in the middle between having to go somewhere and actually being somewhere.

I liken it to an orange. (bear with me) Eating a fresh orange is one of life’s little pleasures, but in order to eat an orange, you first have to peel one. That annoying bit in the middle between wanting an orange and eating an orange. Don’t even get me started on the people who peel an orange while travelling….. why are they putting themselves through it?

I hear people uttering the phrase “I love travelling” all of the time and it frustrates me. I am absolutely certain that these people do not “Love travelling” at all, they simply enjoy being well travelled. It’s a very different thing. It’s like saying “I love peeling oranges” when what they actually mean is “I like eating oranges”

I appreciate that this blog post is a little orange heavy, so let’s move on. So while travelling has always been an annoying necessity for me, it has provided me with a chance to be more creative. Had I not for example, been stuck on a train with a bunch of strangers for over five hundred hours in the last year, I would not have been able to find the time (or more importantly been provided with the content) to write a bestselling book.

So my advice is simple. Don’t ever waste an opportunity to do something more creative, not even when peeling an orange.

As They Slept – A Year in the Life of a London Commuter is OUT NOW. All four parts of the bestselling series in one book (Part 1 of the bestselling series has sold over 40,000 copies and has been ranked #1 on Amazon Humour and Biographies)

As They Slept 1-4 cover design (ebook)

Click Here to view book on Amazon

So which one are you?

ATS Part 4

It was way back in September 2012, when, infuriated by the snoozing passengers surrounding me, I decided to post a status on Facebook declaring that sleeping on trains is a complete waste of time.

My so called “friends” disagreed.

In a bid to prove them wrong, I set out to write a book from start to finish on the daily commute.

The chapter below was written while I commuted from Headcorn to London on Wednesday 28th August 2013 and sums up just about everyone that you will ever encounter on a morning commute.

So which one are you?

As I look around the carriage this morning, I can see a real mix of people. It’s a nice reminder that commuters come in many forms and very rarely fit the typical stereotype of smart suits and broadsheet newspapers. I would say that only around half of the people in my carriage this morning are wearing typical business attire, while the other half are adorned with a colourful array of casual clothes.

As a tribute to commuters everywhere and in the hope that you will all recognise a few of the people mentioned, I have decided to write a poem.

There’s not one person that makes a commuter
Some sit quietly and work on their computer
Others use the time to apply their make up
While others look depressed over their latest break-up
Then there are those that talk on their phone
And others that can’t leave their willy alone
Of course there is always a noisy eater
And you will always sit next to the broken heater
There is always a train guard that looks like yoda
And a guy in the corner with questionable odour
There is always someone tapping their feet
Now here comes fatty with his huge broadsheet
There is always an old guy that should have retired
And a person who’s ticket has just expired
The guy with the braces, whose starting to snore
And the one with the glasses, the office bore
The hungover guy, collapsed in a heap
And five or six others are fast asleep
But always be careful and make sure you look
For the guy by the toilets, who’s writing a book

As They Slept – Part 4 half price and available to download for ONLY £0.99p 8am November 15th to 10am November 18th

As They Slept Astheyslept As They Slept – Part 2 As They Slept Part 2 (2)As They Slept – Part 3 As They Slept Part 3

Words cannot “Express”


I’ve seen a rapid increase in the number of establishments using the word ‘Express’ in their business or product names recently. For the most part it makes perfect sense, and I can see exactly why the proprietors would want to convey the message of speed.

The word express conjures up images of people dashing around looking as if someone has pressed the fast-forward button. It conjures up images of people standing aside and waving you through, but unfortunately, thanks to fatherhood, it also conjures up images of my wife using an elaborate machine to extract milk from her breast.

‘Cafe Nero Express’ is a perfect example of where the word express works well. ‘Cafe Nero Express’ perfectly explains what you’re going to get as a paying customer. You’re going to get coffee and, so long as they have their business model right, you’re going to get it quickly. Pizza Express works much in the same way, and once again I wholeheartedly agree with their willingness to provide the ‘Express’ in their title and their service. As I see it, people need food and drink in order to survive, and whenever there’s a chance that someone might die, I think it’s reasonable to demand an express service.

There are a couple of examples, however, where the word express doesn’t exactly fit with the product or service. Take the Gatwick Express, for example. It’s a fantastic concept: a high-speed train service which will get you to Gatwick in a flash. Except the flash is usually followed by smoke and flames, all as a result of another signal-box failure.

All of this brings me to a company that was brought to my attention yesterday, as one of its branded vans sped around the City of London. The company?

Picture Frames Express!

I’ve nothing against Picture Frames Express, per se. I’m sure they offer an extremely good range of picture frames and are able to deliver them quickly, but who has ever thought to themselves “I need a picture frame, and I need it now”?

Surely a picture frame is a purchase only ever carried out while casually browsing? I can’t imagine someone ever running into a shop and demanding to know where the frames are. “They’re over there, sir, right by the door, next to the toilet paper and the morning-after pills!”

If you enjoyed my blog, you may enjoy the books I have written. As They Slept – Part 4 (The comical tales of a London commuter) is out on Friday 11th October 2013.

As They Slept – Part 4
ATS Part 4

How do I get my book into the Amazon top 100

How I cracked the Amazon Top 100

A lot of people have asked me this question over the past few months and in this blog post I will do my very best to provide some tips and tricks that worked for me. I am an Indie author with no previous experience in writing, publishing or marketing and I managed to get into the Amazon Top 100 (Kindle UK) within two weeks of my book being released. I then managed to stay there for three months, selling over 30,000 books in the process.

Amazon Top 100

I’d like to point out however that there is no exact science and what works for one book is almost certainly not going to work for another.

1) Firstly and most importantly, your book needs to stand out

By this I mean both visually AND literally. In order to stand out, your book needs to be different; it needs to be offering the reader something that other books don’t. Whether that is a completely fresh take on an existing genre or subject or something different entirely, you need to find something that will hook the reader in. Once you have found your hook, make it clear to the reader, either in the title or the description. Don’t bury it down in line 7 or 8 in the description, PUT IT IN BOLD ON THE FIRST LINE, or better still, change the name of your book to encorporate the hook.

My book was initially titled, rather innocently “As They Slept”, but my editor pointed out that unless people actually clicked on the book itself, they would have no idea what it was. As They Slept sounds like a spooky murder mystery, not the humerous observations of the life of a commuter, so it was essential that the book title explained what it was. As They Slept was dropped in favour of As They Slept – The comical tales of a London commuter.

This could easily work for other books. You could have a thriller titled “When Morning Comes”, which sounds like a perfectly reasonable title, but why not change it to “When Morning Comes – The tale of a Soldier’s fight for survival”

Another really important tip is to ensure that your book cover looks professional. A lot of people will say that it is essential that you use bold colours to make it physically stand out, but if it is not professional looking first and foremost, then this can often result in it looking cheap and tacky and it will stand out for all the wrong reasons. The perfect solution is to go for something that is both bold AND professional looking, and while it may seem like I am stating the obvious, it is amazing to see how many book covers arrive on Amazon that fail at least one of these rules.

2) Hire an Editor

I can’t emphasise how important this is. If you are serious about writing and serious about making a career out of writing, then you need to hire an editor. In fact, scrap the word “hire”, just find someone to proof read your work; preferably someone that you are not related to or had sex with, as their opinions will be biased. I am aware that this might be difficult for people who live in small villages and in fact in some villages, it is likely that there may well be people falling into both categories, but never the less, it is vitally important that someone who is impartial looks at your work.

TOP TIP – Do you fancy paying peanuts for editing and book design, while also getting free marketing? – Read on…..

If you haven’t got a lot of money, do what I did and offer a small fee, with a promise of a percentage of royalties. I paid a small fee to my editor and agreed a set percentage of royalties which increased depending on the volume of sales. I did exactly the same with my book designer too.



3) Tell everyone about your book – I mean everyone – Yes, even him!

Every time you speak to someone, you have an opportunity to tell them about your book, whether that be in person, on the phone or in cyber land. Don’t ever miss an opportunity to tell someone about your new book. If the person knows you, they will likely be proud of you and keen to help, often promoting your work without you even asking them to. It’s a natural thing for someone to want to tell somebody else that they know an author. You’ve all heard of someone, who knows someone, who knows someone, who used to play bass guitar for some random band from the sixties, so you need to harness the amazing power of these chinese whispers.

woman whispering in man's ear

Tell strangers too. What’s the harm? In the words of Dr Pepper, what is the worst that can happen? In the lead up to my book release, I got 1,000 flyers printed and gave them to everyone on my train who owned a Kindle. I then went around as many of the coffee shops in London as I could get to. I targeted a specific chain (which I will do my best not to name) that had notice boards in each of their branches. I found that the staff in their green aprons were always happy to help, just as soon as they had taken my order and written my name on my cup.

Once you have exhausted all of your personal contacts, get onto the laptop and start networking. Create a Facebook Fan page and invite all of your friends (and ask them to invite their friends), set up a Twitter Page, a blog and send out a bunch of emails to anyone and everyone you can. An hour or so on Google will provide you with more than enough email addresses to be getting on with. Email anyone who you think may be interested and make sure you email (at the very least) your local press. You will be surprised just how many extra sales you can make from people who are local and who feel like they have a special “local” connection. Here is a link to an article written about my book.

4) Be flexible about pricing

When my book was released, I released it at £1.99. I considered that to be a very reasonable price. Within a week I had sold around 35 copies and I was sure I had exhausted all of my immediate contacts. I then set about marketing the book heavily (Using the tips above) and I decided that in order to try and convince new readers to give it a go, I should drop the price. Some authors would wince at this advice and think that this suggestion is pure madness, but wouldn’t you rather sell 50 copies at £0.77p than 0 copies at £1.99?

I found that by lowering the price after the first week, I was able to take advantage of the healthy rankings I had acheived from the 35 sales and then combined with the marketing push, helped drive more sales.

A week after I reduced my price, I had sold 600 copies. What happens then is a snowball effect. Suddenly, you start to enter the Amazon Movers and Shakers lists and if you are really lucky, you will get featured by Amazon. I was lucky enough to get featured on Amazon’s home page, right next to Bradley Wiggins on the day that he won Sports Personality of the year!

Me and Brad

As soon as I had been featured by Amazon, my book shot to #1 in my two main categories (Humour and Biographies) and it carried on from there. I managed to stay in the top 100 for 3 months, outselling major authors and more importantly for me, established comics, over a busy Christmas period)

Top of category

5) My book is in the Top 100 – What now?

Firstly well done. It is now vitally important that you engage with your fans. If you have got your marketing right, then your readers should be able to find you and contact you through your Facebook Page, your Twitter account or blog. It is vital that you engage with everyone that is kind enough to contact you, whether it be good or bad feedback. Readers who receive a personal response are far more likely to tell their friends and those who chose to leave you negative feedback will be far less likely to tell theirs!

As They Slept – (The comical tales of a London commuter) is FREE on August 17th and 18th


As They Slept – The comical tales of a London commuter