Never mind plastic notes, how about no notes at all!

There has been talk over the last few days of wipe-clean plastic bank notes being introduced by the Bank of England by 2016. Currently, Bank of England bank notes are made from cotton fibre and linen rag and the reason for the proposal is that the new notes will be cleaner, more secure and ultimately more durable.

Made from a thin and flexible material called polypropylene, the new notes will have a longer life cycle, meaning they will be more environmentally friendly. It’s been reported that some notes only last around a year. I’m assuming those notes are the lower denominations and not the higher ones. I can’t imagine a £50 note will ever get worn out as they are totally impossible to spend.

“I can’t take this” the person at the till will say, before looking at you as if you are the one being unreasonable.

“It’s real!” you say, trying your best not to sound like a criminal.

“There are counterfeit notes in circulation and we just can’t take the risk” comes the reply.

“Surely you can just palm it off onto the next paying customer” you say, now sounding just like a criminal.

Eventually, you will be asked to leave by the manager of Poundland and while still in possession of the big pink note, you find yourself having to make do without that essential family pack of Harobo’s.

While the idea of creating notes that are cleaner, more secure, more durable and more environmentally friendly is a noble one, why not go one step further? Why not get rid of bank notes altogether? Why should we have notes at all? Wireless transfers and chip and pin technology already exists, so why not just invest in making this system completley universal and robust.

I know it’s a crazy suggestion and one that no doubt with attract huge criticism, but in my view, paper money seems to be a huge part of the problem when it comes to crimes such as money laundering and drug dealing. Surely wipe-clean, super durable notes are just going to play into the hands of the criminals. Be honest, can you really imagine seeing drug dealers on street corners accepting payments straight into their bank account via a chip and pin device? “There you go sir, if you would just like to pop in your number. Don’t worry, I’ll look away, I specialise in drug, not financial crime!”

In fact, having thought the idea through in great detail (In the time it has taken for the train to travel from Tonbridge to London Bridge) I can confidently state that by getting rid of bank notes we will solve all crime, we will eradicate all UK national debt and we will ensure once and for all that no-one will ever be in a situation where they can’t buy Haribo’s.

The only true losers in my new paperless money system are those that enjoy the gameshow “Million Pound Drop” and those who still receive money from relatives at Christmas.

As They Slept – Part 2 is free on Friday 13th and Saturday 14th September 2013